Archive for October, 2013

Single-hood reflections…

Alright, I’m more than aware that I am not the only single person on the planet looking for a GOOD relationship.  I got the idea of posting about it from another blog.  The woman on this blog announces herself as bitter which left me scratching my head a bit.  Initially I thought it would be a conversation of how the label of “bitter” gets randomly applied to single women as a reason for their being single but, no, this person seems to be bonafide bitter about a number of things (you can see for yourself).

The term I would use instead of “bitter” is disappointed.  Men in general are highly attractive creatures, to say the least.  There is nothing more reassuring than a positive relationship with a man who is secure with himself.  There is a jovial frankness only the male perspective can provide (women can be funny and direct but this is not the same thing).  Then there is the practical side of having someone who can lift heavy objects etc.  The physical benefits are self explicit since puberty.

Where does disappointment come in?  Three types of dangers in “super hero/successful male” or “nice guy” clothing:

Overblown ego – wait until I’m ready, however long this takes.  Answer: no thanks! I may hate being single but I’m not a doormat.  However I can point you to a wide range of prices on doormats…..

Controlling and domineering – do things my way and you’ll be happy; do things your way and I’ll destroy you (emotionally, mentally, reputation,….).  Since compromise is evidently not part of this equation, we may both end up dead.  Hence, best I direct you towards punching bags you can have a wonderful relationship with….

Help me – I need XYZ in my life and you’re the type of woman that can help me build it.  This sounds like the perfect team relationship at first until the Pandora’s box of unfinished help me’s pours out.  We all have a better person or thing we are striving towards and the hard lesson is one cannot do for others what they won’t do for themselves.  I have no human fix-it certifications or any aspirations of acquiring them.

Now I’m quite sure there is a corollary female typology but I’m not interested in dating or marrying women and this is very self-interested (i.e. my blog) so I’ll leave that analysis for those who want to engage in it.

The point of all of this?  If you’ve read Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers you learn that there are two components to success: (a) those you have no control over, e.g. other people/your environment, and, (b) the amount of time you spend perfecting what you do.  No use worrying about (a) so I decided to tally the amount of hours I spend on relationship issues, more specifically, on relationship issues suited to me and my personality.  The initial result was that I spend 80% of my time on work related issues, 20% on personal issues, and 0% on relationship activities!  This made me VERY bitter (and disappointed) at myself for not realizing the obvious sooner.  There is no magic relationship fairy that will come and give me the answers to the best place to find men that I like who are single and looking for someone like me (evidently read too many fairy tale stories growing up…).  Most importantly, at 42yrs of age, it is pretty evident God is not answering so I’ll have to ask humans for answers instead.

My first objective was to identify a good screening tool.  Friends and family have tried to help over the years but I’ve found that their conceptualization of what I want and what I actually want tend to be universes apart and no, I do not want to “broaden my perspective” (still love and deeply appreciate all those who have tried to help me).  Online tools are zero friction and I’ve examined everything from free to $5,000 a pop.  Reviews (complaints) are not much different irrespective of price so money spent on screening tools is not a relevant criteria/has no effect on quality outcome.

In keeping with my me-centric universe, the two things I was able to gain from this exercise were:

1. a better understanding of myself;

2. a personality description that is 100% me from a site I would NOT recommend (see site complaints); unfortunately it has given the best personality analysis of any site I’ve tried:

Essential elements of my personality
RACP – Risk Taker, High Energy, Cautious, Seeks Predictability
This person is willing to take a chance on love. This is an intense person and will go after what they want with a singular focus. But, this person does understand that risk has to be managed and wants to minimize loss or hurt. This person proceeds with caution on romantic commitments and even then, while they may fall passionately in love, will make sure to look closely at the areas that might undermine the relationship. This person knows the kind of life they want to lead and is looking for a person to share it with. This person tends to go for a specific type rather than fall in love with people hugely different from one another. This person definitely needs someone who shares the same vision: A high-octane life organized around friends, a devoted partner, and a life style they intend to develop together and maintain.

Essential elements of a complementary personality
SDHI – Structured, Dominant, Hot, Introvert 
This person is a tough cookie. They have well-developed opinions, enjoy decision-making and will passionately argue their position. This person is accustomed to retreating to their own counsel when they have deep thinking, or emotional repair to accomplish. They need someone to help soften some of these characteristics, someone who can help them express their emotions and calm things down. This person needs someone strong. While they expect to have center stage most of the time, they won’t respect someone who they can walk all over. This person needs someone who completes them rather than repeats them!

The Duet® Compatibility Test is available for FREE on PerfectMatch.com.

Add to this must be age 42-50yrs, college educated (at least Master’s degree – education is not a status symbol or measure of intellect but it is a “right of punishment” and it helps to talk to someone who has been through the same agony), height 5’10” to 6’4″ (I like tall men and I like wearing heels but I’m only 5’2″ so above 6’4″ walking arm-in-arm gets awkward), athletic/average build, plus enjoy hiking, beaches, and dogs (oh yes, and love ME…lol!).

So that’s about it for now.  Let’s see if the internet fairy can do what the relationship fairy has failed to do…..(-:  In the interim, please post ways of meeting single men that are not bar focused and don’t need one to check with the police department either (yes, I am trying Meetups).

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